Yes. I regret it. I have a number of regrets in my life but that is certainly one.
[Lestat sighs, his eyes closing. He's not sure why he's being so open and honest about that this time. Maybe he just needs to. Maybe Jon's mood is getting to him. While he can't say he can say that he's glad to be discussing it.]
I may revel in how terrible I am but I really am terrible, Jon. I'm terrible and yet I still hunger for love. Devotion.
[His eyes open and he looks over at him.]
Do you want to know what actually scares me? What truly scares me?
[The answer is immediate, the Archivist's eyes keen for just a moment, lit up with hunger. Fear? Yes. Yes, he wants that.
And... love. God knows he doesn't deserve it anymore, but he craves it. Affection. Simple human touch that's so hard to let himself have, certainly something he'll almost never let himself ask for. Even with Martin and Peter and the Lonely being a universe away, he'd still felt it, stuck into his bones and digging in like picks. With Martin here... Jon tries not to let it get to him, tries to ignore how much more he wants to isolate himself now, like it had been when he'd first arrived here. It's back now. It's harder to reach out. Harder except in desperate moments like these, to hold out a hand to someone and hope that it might be grasped.]
That one day everything I am and everything I do really will chase the world away. That even ghosts won't haunt me, bugs will refuse me. That everything will swallow me whole because I will truly be alone. Unloved. Unwanted.
[And he laughs bitterly.]
It'll be my own hand if the day comes. You could ask Armand he would agree.
[He knows his lover isn't wrong. Far from it.]
To be alone and to know that no one will take my hand.
That's... that's possible, yes. It would be in my world. The Lonely. That's... it's what it does. You probably shouldn't ever go up to the second floor here. And, um... avoid Martin. Martin Blackwood. He's... he's sort of a servant of the Lonely? It just rolls off of him a bit.
[A thought strikes him.]
You didn't... feel anything up in the lobby, did you?
[But they'd been in the lobby. Hadn't they? Jon's mind grasps for memories from before they were in this room together. He went upstairs. Didn't he go upstairs? Or did Lestat meet him down in the basement? His expression is growing increasingly perplexed, but he does answer the question.]
The Lonely is a part of Martin. When he's near you... those feelings you have about being alone? He can make them worse. Might dredge them up when you weren't even thinking about them. Accidentally. He's... he doesn't mean to. It's just... something that happens.
[His brow is deeply furrowed as Jon stares in consternation. What had he been doing before this conversation? He really doesn't remember. He'd called Lestat over for a Statement cleat, but why? Just for hunger?
No, no. He had a theory about something. What was it?]
Yes. He's not as... tied to the Lonely as I am to the Beholding. Not, yet. But he, um... I feel it, too. An avatar of the Lonely took over the Institute before I got here. He's the reason Martin's like this. I mean, well, part of the reason. If I'd... [If he'd just given himself over to the Eye sooner.] But I've felt it. The loneliness. Like everything you have has gone away, wanting to just... isolate yourself. No one can hurt you if you never see them. [There's an edge of fear and desperation.]
I wanted to see you. I wanted a Statement, but I... I think I wanted another person here. The nights are lonely when everyone's asleep.
[Even without dipping into Jon's mind he can see it's all over the place. He's trying to gather himself but it's like he just can't. He's so scattered and Lestat finds himself drawn to it. Like he wants to know what triggered it. What will make it stop.
He wants to touch him. He...
Lestat's realized that somewhere in his time of thinking that he's reached across the table to gently stroke a finger over Jon's face. He blinks as he comes back to himself and sits back in his chair.]
You know, you could always call for me for company. I so rarely have someone I can simply sit and talk with now that I'm away from David. I truly miss it.
[Lestat's finger strokes down Jon's cheek, and heat rises to his cheeks as the Archivist stares. He flinches, but he doesn't pull away entirely. Not just now. There's a terrible part of him that craves the simple contact. It's the same reason he's wanted to curl up against Martin or Alessandro or Ava or even Hawke or Father Anderson. Touch. Simple, human touch when he feels like such a complete monster some days.]
You... you'd want to just sit and talk? Not just for Statements?
Isn't that what we're doing now? If we're honest with ourselves this stopped being a statement several minutes ago.
[Placing his hands in his lap, Lestat tilts his head. It's so naturally human that it can be easy to forget he isn't one. Well, until one looks at his coloring and the way his eyes glow in the lighting and so on.]
I like talking with you. It feels nice to simply expose myself for a time and just speak with another person like this.
[Is that what they're doing? The Archivist blinks several times, looks around and then down at his tape recorder.]
Right. Yes, you're... Statement ends. End recording.
[He turns the tape off, and just sits for a moment.]
Is she the only ghost you see? Claudia. The one I met was haunting Mr. Gray's Sinema. Here, anyway. The other one was... Gerry. Gerard Keay. My predecessor turned him into a page in a book made out of human skin. He said it hurt being kept like that. So, I... I, um... I burned him. I burned his page to release him.
It hurt. Like my whole body was burning with him.
[His eyes track down to the burn scars covering his right hand.]
I've seen others. Claudia is the only one that stands out to me for personal reasons.
[Lestat's gaze drives down to the hand that on is looking at. Reaching out, he takes it in his own, runs his fingers over the scars. Almost like he's admiring the texture of them.]
I cannot speak for vampires of other worlds but those in mine are more flammable than anything else really. A simple light can set the entire body aflame. It's one of the surest ways to get rid of most of us. Set us afire then scatter the ashes far and wide. Then we cannot come back.
[Again, Jon flinches at the first touch, jerking his hand away instinctively before settling. He doesn't know how he feels about this. Uncomfortable. He doesn't particularly like his scars, especially not the one Jude Perry gave him. It's a reminder of just how naive he'd been at the start, at how much more paranoid he really should have been.
What's happened to Jude? She's probably still around somewhere, destroying lives. Probably angry that helping the Stranger with the Unknowing had come to nothing. The Archivist rather hopes he doesn't run into her again.]
Yes, yes like that!
[Jon nods, fingers twitching and gripping Lestat's hand after a moment.]
Has anyone tried to light you on fire here? They might be working for the Desolation.
Here? No. It would be pointless anyway. I could survive it like I can sunlight. I've reached the point where I doubt anything could kill me now.
[His hand had followed the hand being pulled from him before relaxing when it returned. Lightly, he traces each mark, each damaged piece of skin. His own can never scar like this no matter what he does to it.]
I can catch fire but I'd be able to be in the right mindset to be able to put it out.
[Lestat will be able to feel out the vague shape of a hand as he traces, the worst of the damage in that more precise shape and then radiating out to the rest of his hand and a ways up his wrist. Jon remembers Nikola had tutted most over that hand.
'I think we can just cut that off, Archivist. I'll tell you what. I'll get a nice pair of gloves to wear instead of your hands!' the demonic mannequin had been happy to inform him while they were working lotion into his skin for what seemed like the umpteenth time.
The attention sends a shiver down Jon's spine. Touch he likes occasionally. This just feels strange when it's nothing other people have done before. He doesn't pull away again, but he does stare at what the other man is doing, expression wary.]
I have fire extinguishers down here. Ones with CO2 gas. You can take a few with you, if you'd like. I've got dozens.
[This may seem to be an excessive amount for a relatively small space. But he's prepared in case there are any worms that attack here. His mind runs off on a different tangent once more.]
[Lestat actually lets go of his hand as he leans back in his chair. For a moment it actually looks like his body has somehow elongated itself before returning to normal. A trick of the eye, of course. It's just him moving faster than the human eye can process.]
Are you worried about me, Jon?
[He smiles and looks to the side.]
No. I don't want to do die. I tried and found I didn't like it that much.
[Jon squints, then rubs his eyes and blinks. What... what did he just see? Did Lestat's body stretch out just there? No, that's not part of his powers. Is it? This is Lestat. It's not Not!Lestat. He thinks. Not!Lestat wouldn't know about Claudia, would he?]
No, I... Yes? I accidentally set Ava on fire. I thought she was filled with worms. The Hive. I hurt her. I... I keep hurting her without meaning to. I need to stop. I don't want to hurt you, either. But I, um... I'm sorry.
[The Archivist reaches for Lestat this time. He'll clutch the vampire's hand between his own, tone earnest, pleading.]
I'm sorry, Lestat, I was scared. I'm sorry. I asked someone to kill her when I was in the People Zoo, during the inferno. The woman you told me about. The one who hurts Subs. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to kill people. I don't!
[Never mind that she'd come back to life like everyone else after. In the fever of his delirium, that part doesn't occur to Jon.]
[Should he tell? He shouldn't tell. Will Graham will be in trouble. Except Lestat can read his thoughts and why did he think that? Oh, god, he can't even try to lie to protect Will. Would he want to protect Will? He's frightening, too. Everyone is. And now he's upset Lestat.]
Please don't hurt him. You can hurt me. [Jon will heal. Will is just human.] I'm sorry. I was just scared. I'm so sorry. I didn't give him your name. I wouldn't do that. Just her. Just her, I promise.
I'm not! I'm not! Listen for her thoughts. She didn't stay dead.
[And then Lestat says he's pretty. And then Lestat says that he loves him. What? What? But... what? Did he do- what did he do to earn that? He's just hurt the other man. Why would he?
The information Lestat is looking for isn't hard to find, at least. Will Graham, someone else to scares the Archivist. Someone who had all but threatened him in the People Zoo when they'd met in the Inferno. A small, but viciously violent man who cares about justice. The Knowledge that she's alive again after that is there for him to find, as well, if he's being thorough. As far as Jon knows, that is true.
The woman might just be doing... slightly less mischief after the violence inflicted upon her.]
Now she's tainted. I feed on the wicked, you miserable fool. I don't care who I tell you about in your stupid statements but if you ever give my prey to someone else again there will be hell to pay.
[Turning, he goes to storm to the door.]
If you'll excuse me I have to go issue a complaint now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Lestat sighs, his eyes closing. He's not sure why he's being so open and honest about that this time. Maybe he just needs to. Maybe Jon's mood is getting to him. While he can't say he can say that he's glad to be discussing it.]
I may revel in how terrible I am but I really am terrible, Jon. I'm terrible and yet I still hunger for love. Devotion.
[His eyes open and he looks over at him.]
Do you want to know what actually scares me? What truly scares me?
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[The answer is immediate, the Archivist's eyes keen for just a moment, lit up with hunger. Fear? Yes. Yes, he wants that.
And... love. God knows he doesn't deserve it anymore, but he craves it. Affection. Simple human touch that's so hard to let himself have, certainly something he'll almost never let himself ask for. Even with Martin and Peter and the Lonely being a universe away, he'd still felt it, stuck into his bones and digging in like picks. With Martin here... Jon tries not to let it get to him, tries to ignore how much more he wants to isolate himself now, like it had been when he'd first arrived here. It's back now. It's harder to reach out. Harder except in desperate moments like these, to hold out a hand to someone and hope that it might be grasped.]
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[And he laughs bitterly.]
It'll be my own hand if the day comes. You could ask Armand he would agree.
[He knows his lover isn't wrong. Far from it.]
To be alone and to know that no one will take my hand.
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Oh.
[His voice is quiet.]
That's... that's possible, yes. It would be in my world. The Lonely. That's... it's what it does. You probably shouldn't ever go up to the second floor here. And, um... avoid Martin. Martin Blackwood. He's... he's sort of a servant of the Lonely? It just rolls off of him a bit.
[A thought strikes him.]
You didn't... feel anything up in the lobby, did you?
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[You know because he's him.]
Why should I avoid him?
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H... how did you come in?
[But they'd been in the lobby. Hadn't they? Jon's mind grasps for memories from before they were in this room together. He went upstairs. Didn't he go upstairs? Or did Lestat meet him down in the basement? His expression is growing increasingly perplexed, but he does answer the question.]
The Lonely is a part of Martin. When he's near you... those feelings you have about being alone? He can make them worse. Might dredge them up when you weren't even thinking about them. Accidentally. He's... he doesn't mean to. It's just... something that happens.
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Much like the things with you that make me feel like I'm being watched? Is that what you mean?
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No, no. He had a theory about something. What was it?]
Yes. He's not as... tied to the Lonely as I am to the Beholding. Not, yet. But he, um... I feel it, too. An avatar of the Lonely took over the Institute before I got here. He's the reason Martin's like this. I mean, well, part of the reason. If I'd... [If he'd just given himself over to the Eye sooner.] But I've felt it. The loneliness. Like everything you have has gone away, wanting to just... isolate yourself. No one can hurt you if you never see them. [There's an edge of fear and desperation.]
I wanted to see you. I wanted a Statement, but I... I think I wanted another person here. The nights are lonely when everyone's asleep.
[Or off working elsewhere.]
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He wants to touch him. He...
Lestat's realized that somewhere in his time of thinking that he's reached across the table to gently stroke a finger over Jon's face. He blinks as he comes back to himself and sits back in his chair.]
You know, you could always call for me for company. I so rarely have someone I can simply sit and talk with now that I'm away from David. I truly miss it.
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You... you'd want to just sit and talk? Not just for Statements?
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[Placing his hands in his lap, Lestat tilts his head. It's so naturally human that it can be easy to forget he isn't one. Well, until one looks at his coloring and the way his eyes glow in the lighting and so on.]
I like talking with you. It feels nice to simply expose myself for a time and just speak with another person like this.
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Right. Yes, you're... Statement ends. End recording.
[He turns the tape off, and just sits for a moment.]
Is she the only ghost you see? Claudia. The one I met was haunting Mr. Gray's Sinema. Here, anyway. The other one was... Gerry. Gerard Keay. My predecessor turned him into a page in a book made out of human skin. He said it hurt being kept like that. So, I... I, um... I burned him. I burned his page to release him.
It hurt. Like my whole body was burning with him.
[His eyes track down to the burn scars covering his right hand.]
Vampires don't like fire, right? It hurts Ava.
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[Lestat's gaze drives down to the hand that on is looking at. Reaching out, he takes it in his own, runs his fingers over the scars. Almost like he's admiring the texture of them.]
I cannot speak for vampires of other worlds but those in mine are more flammable than anything else really. A simple light can set the entire body aflame. It's one of the surest ways to get rid of most of us. Set us afire then scatter the ashes far and wide. Then we cannot come back.
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What's happened to Jude? She's probably still around somewhere, destroying lives. Probably angry that helping the Stranger with the Unknowing had come to nothing. The Archivist rather hopes he doesn't run into her again.]
Yes, yes like that!
[Jon nods, fingers twitching and gripping Lestat's hand after a moment.]
Has anyone tried to light you on fire here? They might be working for the Desolation.
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[His hand had followed the hand being pulled from him before relaxing when it returned. Lightly, he traces each mark, each damaged piece of skin. His own can never scar like this no matter what he does to it.]
I can catch fire but I'd be able to be in the right mindset to be able to put it out.
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'I think we can just cut that off, Archivist. I'll tell you what. I'll get a nice pair of gloves to wear instead of your hands!' the demonic mannequin had been happy to inform him while they were working lotion into his skin for what seemed like the umpteenth time.
The attention sends a shiver down Jon's spine. Touch he likes occasionally. This just feels strange when it's nothing other people have done before. He doesn't pull away again, but he does stare at what the other man is doing, expression wary.]
I have fire extinguishers down here. Ones with CO2 gas. You can take a few with you, if you'd like. I've got dozens.
[This may seem to be an excessive amount for a relatively small space. But he's prepared in case there are any worms that attack here. His mind runs off on a different tangent once more.]
Would you want to die, if you could?
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Are you worried about me, Jon?
[He smiles and looks to the side.]
No. I don't want to do die. I tried and found I didn't like it that much.
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No, I... Yes? I accidentally set Ava on fire. I thought she was filled with worms. The Hive. I hurt her. I... I keep hurting her without meaning to. I need to stop. I don't want to hurt you, either. But I, um... I'm sorry.
[The Archivist reaches for Lestat this time. He'll clutch the vampire's hand between his own, tone earnest, pleading.]
I'm sorry, Lestat, I was scared. I'm sorry. I asked someone to kill her when I was in the People Zoo, during the inferno. The woman you told me about. The one who hurts Subs. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to kill people. I don't!
[Never mind that she'd come back to life like everyone else after. In the fever of his delirium, that part doesn't occur to Jon.]
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[It's not a question. In fact, there's almost a touch of endearment to his tone. Right before he blinks when his hand is grabbed. And then Jon says...
That.
He snatches his hand back.]
Who did you tell?
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Please don't hurt him. You can hurt me. [Jon will heal. Will is just human.] I'm sorry. I was just scared. I'm so sorry. I didn't give him your name. I wouldn't do that. Just her. Just her, I promise.
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[His eyes narrow then and he slams his hand on the table as he stands. There's a rather audible cracking sound that says the table is damaged.]
Who?
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She's alive! She's alive again. I Know she is. It was- Please, it was me. This was my fault. I promise it won't happen again. Ever. Ever.
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[Lestat's eyes narrow further and he suddenly is on the other side of the table next to Jon. His hand is on the collar of his shirt.]
I will not harm you because I love you. But I will pry that name out of your pretty head now.
[It's the only warning he gives before his mind opens to dip into Jon's mind to find the name of the one he spoke to.]
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[And then Lestat says he's pretty. And then Lestat says that he loves him. What? What? But... what? Did he do- what did he do to earn that? He's just hurt the other man. Why would he?
The information Lestat is looking for isn't hard to find, at least. Will Graham, someone else to scares the Archivist. Someone who had all but threatened him in the People Zoo when they'd met in the Inferno. A small, but viciously violent man who cares about justice. The Knowledge that she's alive again after that is there for him to find, as well, if he's being thorough. As far as Jon knows, that is true.
The woman might just be doing... slightly less mischief after the violence inflicted upon her.]
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Now she's tainted. I feed on the wicked, you miserable fool. I don't care who I tell you about in your stupid statements but if you ever give my prey to someone else again there will be hell to pay.
[Turning, he goes to storm to the door.]
If you'll excuse me I have to go issue a complaint now.
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